i'm not really sure. it may be of my great-grandmother. i can distinctly remember a pair of hands holding me. they were really long and skinny and... old, i guess is really the best word there. but she died when i was really young (like 1 or around there), so i'm not sure if i'm just making that up or not.
but if i am just making that up, then my earliest memory is of my sister knocking my front teeth out when i was three. i know it was just an accident on her part, but it was traumatic for me. i remember it very well. i remember my head slamming into the metal ladder of this slide. and i remember ridding in a car and being at the dentist.
then a few years latter some little jerk at day care knocked one of my bottom teeth out. that's the only time i've been punched in the face... lucky me.

i hate the word "artsy" and, though to a lesser degree, i hate the word "arty." they're ugly words. and they don't mean anything. don't be so lazy that you use a word that doesn't mean anything.

but i do have a new word that i love. the westboro church, or whatver the hell the name of that church is that's picketing heath ledger's funeral and that used to picket soldier's funerals until that was made illegal, had a flyer that used the term "fag-enabler" and though i realize that they were using it in a way that makes me want to add my head imprint to my wall, i can't help but feel that "fag-enabler" is the best word ever. fag-enabler. it's beautiful, and to me it means a beautiful thing. i know that the crazies as that church don't think so, but they're all going to die premature deaths anyway because one body cannot hold that much hate inside of it. it's corrosive.

so out with "artsy" and in with "fag-enabler". that's really all i have to say.

i'm not much of a fighter. it's not that i don't feel passionately about things. it's more because of the fact that i can't fight. i can't argue; when i try to, i just get frustrated. so a better question might be "what would you want to fight for?" but that's still difficult to answer. what is worth fighting for? smaller things like my education, sure. food, sure. maybe life, but it depends on what your fighting against really.
we watched this really interesting movie called sunshine last night where this group of scientists (namely killian murphy, because he has incredibly attractive cheek bones) is trying to essentially reignite the sun because it's going out and the earth is in a solar winter. but when they get close, they encounter a force (this is me trying not to ruin the movie here) that is trying to prevent them from restarting the sun. and it kind of made me wonder which side i support: the scientists or this once-human force that keeps saying "god doesn't want you to change the path of human existence." i mean sure, i think i'd give up my own life to save humanity, but would i go so far as to reignite the sun even though that's the natural path of the universe (stars are supposed to burn out, life is made to end)? i don't know. i don't know what's worth fighting for, ultimately (on a larger scale, anyway). do you change the course of history and nature when i doesn't coincide with your own plans?

we just spent the entire day watching the first season of the mole. it was hosted by anderson cooper, good stuff. and it was simply awesome. it's such a good idea for a game because it's all mental and it's about getting other people to be suspicious of you. and of course it's about getting the questions right. and it's about anderson cooper being super attractive.super.
i'm also coloring erte fashion pages. heck yeahs.

i also bought some text books. and spent a gross amount of money and i have three books left to buy. two will hopefully be pretty cheap. the thrid... i just don't know. we'll see how much my french book will be. *sob* classes start on monday, so that's cool stuff. i think i have three classes on monday, too. that's... not so cool. i guess it could be worse. i used to have seven classes everyday. that was terrible.

i'm going back to school today. i can't wait for the drive! i love long drives and the music and the singing loudly.
but it's soooo cold. thomas drove me home last night and it was snowing. seriously. it was snowing something fierce. how romantic... and now it's 27 degrees outside. that's not fierce. not liike tyra banks.
(yes, there is an america's next top model marathon. how will i pull myself away?)
i'm going to pack my car now.

(so apparently there are now songs called "soulja girl" and "crank that batman." that's... i can't even find the word. it's a mixture of funny and sad and shameful.)

being happy!
i mean, when fat monkey's around, how can you not?

That's easy: school. i think about school because i'm in it now, i think about graduate school (even though that's three and half years or 7 semesters away), and i think about being a teacher because that's what i really want to do with my life. so school consumes me, especially now that i am in college and i in fact live at school.
so stay cool and think about school, even when you're asleep (in fact, i had a dream while i was taking a nap that involved school. school and pizza that had peppers and onions on it even though i had ordered pepperoni. that happened to me in middle school actually.)

hm. working the shoe store just isn't working out for me. i don't understand how these people can do it as a career. five hours a day in there is too much for me, and it's only been what, two weeks? blah... how do people work in retail for their whole adult lives? i realize that i should maybe try and be happy with what i have and where i am. but... yeah. that's not going to happen. retail: my heart just isn't in it.

i watched all of the second disc of the sigur ros documentary. that's what i love in life. i love music and... and iceland .music and iceland. i guess that settles it. no more shoes for me ...after tomorrow and the next day and probably next summer....

being at home and having nothing to do depresses me. and now there's nothing to watch on tv. i think that i might watch sigur ros performances. preformances? per, pre, je ne sais pas.

i'm still reading flowers for algernon. i will finish. it's one of those classics that i should read as an english major. there are others. there will be worse. believe me. i've read far worse. not that flowers for algernon is a bad book. it's just difficult to get through.

hmmmm. hm hm. i worked for five hours today, and i've got five hours tomorrow and saturday. probably on sunday too.
yeah. okay.

but will return soon. i really wish they would tell us the textbooks we need soon, but of course they won't tell us until two days before classes start, since that makes sense.

but i got a copy of gish! glad i can end this entry on a high note.

christmas time in the... suburbs. yeah.

my life is complete. i got a vision m and a bookbag and the sigur ros documentary. i think this is the first christmas that i have recieved everything my little heart desires. not that i really desired much. it's harder and harder to think of things that you want as you get older. material things, that is. i think that's a good sign.

i also got money with which i am going to take chad to the movies and dinner. that should be fun. and i'm also going to take stephanie to get her ears pierced. it's time. it's time.

we watched heima and it was amazing and i love it. basically it's just sigur ros playing music. what in the world could be better? nothing, me thinks.
except that my eye is twitching. well not my eye, more like my eyelid. my bottom eyelid. hm.

but merry christmas despite the eyelid twitch. i like the fact that my family has effectively taken the christ out of christmas. if the rest of the "liberal agenda" types want to know our methods, all they have to do is ask. (yet we still put out the nativity scene. religion has become all tradition. not that i'm complaining.)